ABOUT
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Information We May Collect
We collect personal information from you so that we can provide you with a positive experience when utilizing our Website or content. We will only collect the minimum amount of information necessary for us to fulfill our obligation to you. We may collect:
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Other Information We May Collect:
Anonymous Data Collection and Use
To maintain Website quality, we may use your IP address to help diagnose problems with our server, to administer the Website by identifying which areas of the Website are most heavily used, and to display content according to your preferences. Your IP address is the number assigned to computers connected to the Internet. This is essentially “traffic data” which cannot personally identify you but is helpful to us for marketing purposes and for improving our services. Traffic data collection does not follow a user’s activities on any other websites in any way. Anonymous traffic data may also be shared with business partners and advertisers on an aggregate basis.
Use of “Cookies”
We may use the standard “cookies” feature of major web browsers. We do not set any personally identifiable information in cookies, nor do we employ any data-capture mechanisms on our Website other than cookies. You may choose to disable cookies through your own web browser’s settings. However, disabling this function may diminish your experience on our Website and some features may not work as intended.
What We Do With Information We Collect
Contact You
We may contact you with information that you provide to us based on these lawful grounds for processing:
Process Payments
We will use the Personal Data you give to us in order to process your payment for the purchase of goods or services under a contract. We only use third party payment processors that take the utmost care in securing data and comply with the GDPR.
Targeted Social Media Advertisements
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Share with Third Parties
We may share your information with trusted third parties such as our newsletter provider in order to contact you via email, our merchant accounts to process payments, and Google / social media accounts in order to run advertisements and our affiliates.
Viewing by Others
Note that whenever you voluntarily make your Personal Data available for viewing by others online through this Website or its content, it may be seen, collected and used by others, and therefore, we cannot be responsible for any unauthorized or improper use of the information that you voluntarily share (i.e., sharing a comment on a blog post, posting in a Facebook group that we manage, sharing details on a group coaching call, etc.).
Submission, Storage, Sharing and Transferring of Personal Data
Personal Data that you provide to us is stored internally or through a data management system. Your Personal Data will only be accessed by those who help to obtain, manage, or store that information, or who have a legitimate need to know such Personal Data (i.e., our hosting provider, newsletter provider, payment processors, or team members).
It is important to note that we may transfer data internationally. For users in the European Union, please be aware that we transfer Personal Data outside of the European Union. By using our Website and providing us with your Personal Data, you consent to these transfers in accordance with this Privacy Policy.
Data Retention
We retain your Personal Data for the minimum amount of time necessary to provide you with the information and / or services that you requested from us. We may include certain Personal Data for longer periods of time if necessary for legal, contractual, and accounting obligations.
Confidentiality
We aim to keep the Personal Data that you share with us confidential. Please note that we may disclose such information if required to do so by law or in the good-faith belief that: (1) such action is necessary to protect and defend our rights or property or those of our users or licensees, (2) to act as immediately necessary in order to protect the personal safety or rights of our users or the public, or (3) to investigate or respond to any real or perceived violation of this Privacy Policy or of our Disclaimer, Terms and Conditions, or any other terms of use or agreement with us.
Passwords
To use certain features of the Website or its content, you may need a username and password. You are responsible for maintaining the confidentiality of the username and password, and you are responsible for all activities, whether by you or by others, that occur under your username or password and within your account. We cannot and will not be liable for any loss or damage arising from your failure to protect your username, password, or account information. If you share your username or password with others, they may be able to obtain access to your Personal Data at your own risk.
You agree to notify us immediately of any unauthorized or improper use of your username or password or any other breach of security. To help protect against unauthorized or improper use, make sure that you log out at the end of each session requiring your username and password.
We will use our best efforts to keep your username and password(s) private and will not otherwise share your password(s) without your consent, except as necessary when the law requires it or in the good faith belief that such action is necessary, particularly when disclosure is necessary to identify, contact, or bring legal action against someone who may be causing injury to others or interfering with our rights or property.
How You Can Access, Update, or Delete Your Personal Data
You have the right to:
You may unsubscribe from our emails or updates at any time through the unsubscribe link at the footer of all email communications. If you have questions or are experiencing problems unsubscribing, please contact us at graeme@graemeseabrook.com
Security
We take commercially reasonable steps to protect the Personal Data you provide to us from misuse, disclosure, or unauthorized access. We only share your Personal Data with trusted third parties who use the same level of care in processing your Personal Data. That being said, we cannot guarantee that your Personal Data will always be secure due to technology or security breaches. Should there be a data breach of which we are aware, we will inform you immediately.
Anti-Spam Policy
We have a no spam policy and provide you with the ability to opt-out of our communications by selecting the unsubscribe link at the footer of all emails. We have taken the necessary steps to ensure that we are compliant with the CAN-SPAM Act of 2003 by never sending out misleading information. We will not sell, rent, or share your email address.
Third Party Websites
We may link to other websites on our Website. We have no responsibility or liability for the content and activities of any other individual, company, or entity whose website or materials may be linked to our Website or its content, and thus we cannot be held liable for the privacy of the information on their website or that you voluntarily share with their website. Please review their privacy policies for guidelines as to how they respectively store, use, and protect the privacy of your Personal Data.
Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act Compliance
We do not collect any information from anyone under 18 years of age in compliance with COPPA (Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act) and the GDPR (General Data Protection Regulation of the EU). Our Website and its content is directed to individuals who are at least 18 years old or older.
Notification of Changes
We may use your Personal Data, such as your contact information, to inform you of changes to the Website or its content, or, if requested, to send you additional information about us. We reserve the right, at our sole discretion, to change, modify, or otherwise alter our Website, its content, and this Privacy Policy at any time. Such changes and/or modifications shall become effective immediately upon posting our updated Privacy Policy. Please review this Privacy Policy periodically. Continued use of any of information obtained through or on the Website or its content following the posting of changes and/or modifications constituted acceptance of the revised Privacy Policy. Should there be a material change to our Privacy Policy, we will contact you via email or by a prominent note on our Website.
Data Controller and Processors
We are the data controllers as we are collecting and using your Personal Data. We use trusted third parties as our data processors for technical and organizational purposes, including for payments and email marketing. We use reasonable efforts to make sure our data processors are GDPR-compliant.If you have any questions about this Privacy Policy, please contact us at graeme@graemeseabrook.com
Last Updated: January 2025
This was originally published on my blog between 2012 and 2020.
Why are you here?
Are you here to raise your family in partnership with someone you love?
I’m here because I have coached a few thousand moms and I’ve seen a vastly different idea of what partnership and parenting mean to moms and dads. I have questions. These aren’t questions for you to answer to me. I’m not the one who has to live with you.
Honestly, these aren’t questions my dad could have answered — and you could say I turned out fine. But they are questions that Adam can answer without missing a beat and that’s important to both of us. The issue is: Why are you here? Why are you in this relationship, marriage, household? Are you a father or are you a guy who lives with a mother and some kids?
Why is your wife or partner wondering why her husband does nothing to help her?
I don’t need the answers. The mother(s) in your life do. Your children do. You do.
What are the names of the people who care for and/or teach your children? What are the school policies? How long does your kid need to be fever-free before they can go back to school?
Who is your child’s pediatrician? Where are they located? What are their hours? What is their phone number? Does your child like them?
Dentist?
Optometrist?
What are the names of your kid’s two best friends?
What are their parents’ names?
What sizes of clothing and shoes do your kids wear? Where do you usually buy them?
What are your kids worried about right now? What are they excited about? What are they scared of? What do they want most? Who do they love?
WHY ARE YOU HERE? Are you here to raise your child in partnership?
How many times a week does laundry need to be done in your house so that no one runs out of anything?
How long does it take to clean each room in your house?
How does that change when your kid(s) are home/awake?
How often does each room need to be cleaned to keep things generally organized and household stress low?
How do you create a meal plan that takes into account everyone’s nutritional needs, allergies, preferences, what is already in your fridge and pantry, as well as the family budget?
What did your kids eat for lunch today?
What are the steps necessary to get each child from asleep to their first class in school each morning?
What are the values you are actively teaching your child each day?
What is age-appropriate behavior for your child(ren)? Age-appropriate expectations? What milestones should you be looking for next? What do you need to do to support your child in reaching them?
What are you doing to support your child’s emotional and mental health?
What tools do you need to learn in order to parent effectively?
What have you taught your children about how their bodies work?
What have you taught your children about consent?
What have you taught your children about gender, sex, class, and race?
Who are the family members and friends who understand and support your parenting style and choices? Who are the ones who undermine them? What boundaries do you need to set for the health and happiness of your family? Who will push hardest against them?
What is your babysitter’s name? What are they paid? How are they paid? What is their experience and background with children? Who else have they worked for?
What extracurricular activities would be most supportive of your child’s emotional growth right now? Physical growth? What would they most like to do? What supplies would be needed for each? What can fit in the family budget? What can fit into the family schedule?
What OTC medication does your child take for fevers? For colds? For stomach upset?
What activities, shows, foods, and comfort items are most soothing to them when they are sick?
Who gets the call from school or daycare when your child is sick or hurt?
When is the next parent-teacher conference? What are your concerns?
What are your plans for childcare during school breaks?
What are your personal criteria for summer camps/programs for your kid(s)?
WHY ARE YOU HERE?
What would you need to pack for your entire family to go on vacation to someplace cold for four days?
What would be the best time of day for your family to take a trip that involved flying?
What needs to be in your car for a trip lasting more than two hours?
What is your child’s favorite color?
TV show?
Book?
Movie?
Song?
Author?
Musician?
Toy?
WHY ARE YOU HERE?
Parenting is not a spectator sport. And far too many of the mothers I coach tell me how much easier it is when their partners aren’t home, because at least then there is no expectation that this time he’ll do something to lift the load.
If what you bring to your household is a paycheck, then why are you there? You don’t have to live there to support them financially.
Are you coming home, dumping your feelings about your day on your partner, sitting down to a table to eat, and then moving on with your night? YOU JUST MISSED ABOUT A MILLION STEPS, MY DUDE.
And honestly, I’m done. I’m over it. I’ve had it up to here with meeting brilliant, caring, thoughtful mothers who are working to heal their traumas, to give their children happy and healthy childhoods, and who keep running into a brick wall of husbands or partners who think that simply because they are doing more than their dads did they are heroes.
100% more than 5% is only 10%.
Parenting is complicated, exhausting, labor-intensive, logistical, emotional, and mental WORK.
Holding on to your personhood as a mother in today’s world is all of that and more.
So dads, my question stands — WHY ARE YOU HERE? Are you a father or are you a guy who lives in a house with some kids?
If you were Thanos-snapped tomorrow, how much of the daily life of your family would change?
This is not an essay asking you to help with the emotional load. Plenty of mothers have written about emotional labor: guides to how you can help more, about why saying “You should have asked” is bullshit, about how mothers aren’t actually better at this than fathers. It’s even been satirized in McSweeney’s.
I’m not saying you should help.
Help implies that all this is a mother’s job and you’re some kind of assistant.
RAISING THESE CHILDREN, AND EVERY SINGLE THING THAT ENTAILS IS YOUR JOB, DAD.
Knowing all of the answers to all the questions above is your job. Knowing which ones apply to your family and which don’t is your job. Knowing there are so, so many questions I left off the list (and also knowing the answers to them) is your job. And more than knowing — taking action to provide for your family is your job.
I’m not talking about providing financially. You don’t have to be there to do that. What are the things you provide for your family by being there?
Do you provide emotional stability?
Do you provide logistical support?
Do you provide physical labor?
Do you provide love and care?
Or do you provide another person she has to plan for, someone else to remind to go to the doctor, more laundry she has to do, more dishes for her to wash, more presents to choose, buy, wrap, and send to your parents for their birthdays, more schedules to work around, another person to clean up after, more asking and asking and asking to be seen, to be acknowledged, to be partnered?
If my husband doesn’t help me with the children, or when I’m sick, or with anything at all, that means that I am the sole provider of emotional and physical caretaking. Can you see the toll this would take on your wife?
What is it that you actually provide?
Why are you here?
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