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Last Updated: January 2025
The Mother’s Day discourse has already started. And I’m already sick of it. I’m writing this on March 14, 2025 — for context.
“Asking a mother to relax while the family plans Mother’s Day is like asking a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane”
A mom posted that on Bluesky and when I saw it I had the strongest urge to throw my phone at the wall because I am so very profoundly, completely, and utterly fucking sick and tired of this bullshit.
If you married or had children with an asshole, just say that. You can say it. We all make mistakes.
Maybe you started parenting him early on in the relationship, because that’s what you were taught that love is. And now it’s years later, you have actual kids to parent, and you feel stuck — caught in a trap you helped build.
Maybe you never talked about how you’d raise your kids beyond vague reassurances that “it’ll be 50/50” and “we’re in this together” and the two of you defaulted to white middle class patriarchal bullshit. And it stinks.
Maybe it looks even, or at least a hell of a lot better than what your parents had, and you can see how tired he is and how hard he’s trying and you feel horrible and guilty because the deep, dark truth is that it’s still not enough.
It hurts. It’s horrible. And it’s scary. Oh yeah, and the world is falling apart outside your window. So you make a joke because you need some kind of release — and maybe someone will see it and get it and you won’t feel so alone.
It is completely understandable and it does nothing to solve the problem. It does nothing to change your life or the lives of your children. In fact, it normalizes your pain to other mothers, fathers, and to your kids.
Dads are not extra children. Parenting isn’t some deep mystery that men simply cannot comprehend or do well. Having breasts or a uterus does not give you mystical knowledge about how to care for other human beings.
The jokes about what dad does to plan for vacation vs what mom does, or the holidays, or graduation, anniversaries, birthdays, IT IS ALL BULLSHIT. This normalizes the idea that they can’t, that they’re somehow incapable. There are grown ass men, fathers, who are completely unashamed that they can’t take care of their children without their wives around. Maybe it’s time to stop joking about it. Because the truth is that they should be ashamed.
If you can’t plan one nice day for the mother of your children, and parent your children through that day so that she can relax — then you should be ashamed of yourself. It isn’t funny.
If you can’t handle a parent-teacher conference, coordinate and host a playdate, or make a pediatrician appointment, and answer all the questions required to do so, then you should be ashamed of yourself. It isn’t funny.
If your kid comes home from school with a birthday party invitation and you can’t handle every single step that comes after that — then yeah, my dude, you should be fucking ashamed. It isn’t funny.
This is no joking matter. There are, quite literally, millions of men in this country who are good fathers and who can easily do all of those things and more. There are single dads who are killing it. There are divorced dads who are doing more actual parenting than your ass. There are gay dads out here parenting rings around you.
Having a penis doesn’t lower your IQ or give you any kind of a pass from being a parent. Buy a book, get a therapist, join a dad group, figure that shit out and STOP SUCKING AT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU WILL EVER DO.
And if you don’t think it actually is the most important thing — then just say that. The very least you owe to your children and their mother is honesty. Say you aren’t going to fully parent. Say it to their faces and let the chips fall where they may.
And mom? Please stop joking about this. Stop normalizing his failures. Because they are his failures. They aren’t yours to take on or to own.
Your kids are watching you. What you’re living right now is how they will define parenting. You have to know this: There is no need to martyr yourself — there is nothing to martyr yourself for. Besides, the martyr dies at the end and you deserve to live.
No joke.
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